Caroline Myss February 2013

I recently recorded another audio series and as always, I was blessed with having a wonderful group of people who volunteered their time to serve as a live audience for me. Inevitably we end up having the most interesting conversations in between recordings, as studio audiences are small, the space is tight, and a type of co-creative dialogue goes on, as I rely upon their feedback and questions in the creation of the text for these CD series.

This particular series was the audio set based on my recent book, ARCHETYPES: Who Are You? Part of exploring the subject of archetypes includes discussing the nature of the shadow aspects of an archetype. The shadow, just for the sake of bringing everyone on board, is considered the unknown part of your unconscious that acts out from the “shadow” or the darkest part of yourself.

How often, for example, have you said or done something that hurt a person and when asked to explain your behavior, you answered, “I don’t know why I said that.” There are many active shadow aspects in each of us. They provide the fodder for our struggles with right and wrong, good and evil, forgiveness and vengeance. These are the ingredients of human life.

The conversation about the shadow somehow led to the subject of kindness with one person suggesting that, “Really, in spite of all that shadow stuff, aren’t people just basically good and kind?”

I turned to the audience and said, “Well, who wants to respond to that?” I could feel my producer in the control room cringing, as I began turning the break between recordings into the beginning of a mini workshop. It was too late for her to jump in and plead, “Oh please, don’t start anything interesting now, okay?” It was just too late. The ship, as they say, had sailed.

Most of the audience agreed that people were basically kind and this one fact of life was enough to eclipse the reality that each of us has a shadow side that is the root of much of our pain. And it certainly is the source of why we cease to recognize what is truly extraordinary in the world and blind ourselves to what has become extraordinary in the “shadowlands” of our society.

I said that if kindness came so naturally to all of us, why do we require books instructing us on how to be kind? Why are doctors conducting studies to discover if kindness has an influence on health and healing illnesses? Why does a single act of kindness performed by one individual make headlines in the news? Only unusual occurrences make the news.

Why do we need books instructing us on what acts of kindness are and encouraging us to “pass it on?” The truth is that acts of kindness are still extraordinary, but not the right kind of extraordinary. Kindness stands out not because it’s ordinary but because it is not. We should never even have to read a book on kindness, much less admire one act of kindness. These should be as ordinary as breathing. They should each go unnoticed. That we notice them at all speaks about how rare they are and how desperately they are needed.

We can be kind to others during a crisis – and then after the heat of the crisis is over, life goes back to normal and the outpouring of acts of kindness then shifts to irritation toward the needy. That is a tough sentence to read – and it is also a tough sentence to write. But there is a great deal of truth packed into that sentence.

Kindness takes courage because once you open your heart, there is no turning back. Kindness is a choice. I’ve heard it said so very often that people are “basically kind” – just as many of the people did in the recording studio. My experience is that people are born with the potential to be kind but that ultimately acting on that potential requires a conscious choice to activate a level of humanity within oneself. And that is truly an extraordinary choice. It is not an ordinary one – not at all.

We have books on kindness precisely because it is a conscious and most extraordinary choice to step into your humanity. It is one thing to be kind to a friend but to live within the “kindness to humanity” consciousness represents a “new normal for your soul.”

Perspectives On Extraordinary Versus Ordinary

Recently, I was traveling in a car with two parents, their daughter and her friend. I was in the back seat with the two kids. They were buried in their cell phones texting to each other while seated next to each other. I decided to invade their space by introducing the ancient art of conversation. I said, “Hi there. I’m sitting right next to you and you haven’t said a word to me. Put those phones away and let’s start a conversation.”

These two fourteen-year-old girls looked up at me as if I was a texting cell phone molester. (Quite frankly, I’m surprised they didn’t call 911). I continued, “I’ll begin. My name is Caroline. I’m here by invitation of your parents. And you are …?” At this point they are still staring at me and I might add, the mother of one of them has joined in the “stare fest.”

“Is conversation banned in this car?” I asked. “Have you not provided your daughter with the art of polite conversation with adults? By her age, I was quite confident in how to speak with adults on several topics, beginning with my name.”

The mother was absolutely silent, so I had no choice but to carry on. I looked at these two blank children and said, “I asked you a couple of simple questions so let’s start again. Names, ages, and what are you studying in school? What are you reading about the world you live in? You’ll have to trust me when I tell you that conversation can be fun once you get the hang of it.”

Eventually these two girls began “speaking” though the mother went “silent,” sending psychic signals of resentment flying like daggers in my direction. Lucky for me, I could care less. By the time we arrived at the restaurant, I was chatting away with these two girls about their lives at school, about the music they liked, about the latest fashion – about them. They had put their cell phones away – temporarily – but that was long enough for us to at least warm up to each other.

It’s extraordinary to me that ordinary conversation has been replaced by cell phones and using them as an excuse to ignore one’s own children. These parents got irritated with me because (so they said) I crossed the line and “told” their daughter what to do. I listened to the mother unload her anger and then said, “What nonsense. You got angry at me because I was doing what you should have been doing – talking with your daughter, asking her about her day. You got angry with me because you felt guilty and you should. Your job as a mother is to talk with your kids. This isn’t the first time you let phones, and no doubt computers, substitute for your attention. Your anger is a dead giveaway. Maybe you’ll make an effort to talk to your daughter more now.”

Our obsession with texting constantly – while simultaneously dining with others or driving or whatever – represents a new definition of rude and inconsiderate, not efficient and just doing business. It is extraordinary that conducting several conversations simultaneously is now considered ordinary. It’s time we actually realize we are fracturing ourselves more and more. We all have done – or do this.

But recently I stood back in a restaurant for a moment and took note of how many people had their phones on their dinner tables. I pictured what that would have looked like years ago before the advent of these tiny cell phones. Imagine if we all came into restaurants and yanked out our house phones out of our backpacks and put those on the table. Perhaps we should do that as a way of actually seeing how we have raised the bar on what we consider information that qualifies for “need to know immediately.” Such information used to be “extraordinary”: life or death or urgent. How often are the phone calls you receive while having lunch or dinner with a friend actually urgent or life and death? Many of us are professionals who receive emails and calls all day long that need our attention, but urgently? Really?

Mostly, the calls and emails are a blend of ordinary business and personal news – not extraordinary. We have lost some of our perspective by elevating the ordinary fodder of calls to the extraordinary. We ourselves are losing our sense of discernment, of being able to determine a value structure that organizes how and why we make the choices we do. Do you control your cell phone, for example, or does it control you?

I actually watch people grimace at workshops and lectures when they are told to turn off their cell phones. Many cannot do that. They put their phones on vibrate and check them continuously. It is truly extraordinary that we cannot separate ourselves from the rest of our lives for the duration of a lecture or an afternoon with friends or a dinner with someone and just “be present.” Prior to this mad cell-phone world of ours, we used to be present for and with each other and now that has become extraordinary.

A Bit More Significant

It has become ordinary to think that each of us is extraordinary, that we were born for something extraordinary, and that this path “of the extraordinary” is just out there waiting for us somewhere. Somehow, this propaganda about being born “extraordinary” got started a few decades ago and it has hovered over people like a dark spell ever since.

I have yet to meet one person who has ever bothered to actually define what it means to be “special” or “extraordinary” or state what he or she has done so far to warrant that status. What I have run into is a very long list of people languishing over their feelings that they know they were born for something special – something extraordinary – but they haven’t quite figured it out yet. The path of the extraordinary, in other words, has not quite revealed its golden footprints, complete with pension plan and safety nets.

What’s truly extraordinary is that we have become a society that believes we are entitled to the “extraordinary” in some way. And what do we mean by “extraordinary?” Well, first of all, let’s confront the raw underlying truth, which is that human beings hold the very idea of being ordinary in contempt. Tell someone that they strike you as being “pleasantly ordinary,” and they will not be able to figure out if you have complimented them or insulted them. Go ahead – try it. How would you take that comment? Would you say, “Oh dear God, I’ve been called ‘ordinary’! Where’s the nearest bridge? I shall toss myself off it in a most extraordinary fashion.”

Being ordinary, having ordinary things, doing ordinary things, is no longer satisfying. I’ve gone to birthday parties for one-year-old kids that were more lavish than my college graduation party. All I could think was, “What is wrong with those parents? Are they nuts? Do they think this is the first baby to hit the one-year-old mark?”

They were, of course, throwing a “My Baby is Extraordinary” birthday party, not just an ordinary cake-and-ice cream, come hang out with us, birthday party. This was an extravaganza meant to give “extraordinary” a liftoff and to keep “ordinary” at bay, to christen this child with “specialness” in the town square.

It’s extraordinary that we can’t bear the thought of being “ordinary” anymore. The moment the temperature in our life hits “ordinary,” we hit the panic button. I get emails and calls from people, “Something is wrong with my life. Nothing is happening.” “What do you mean, ‘nothing is happening?’ Something is always happening. It is impossible for life – even your life – to come to a standstill. So tell me, what is happening in your life?”

As soon as I present that question, the ordinary panic-stricken person generally calms down and reviews the landscape of his or her life. By the end of our conversation, it’s obvious to both of us that the meaning of “nothing happening” refers to “nothing spectacular” or “nothing extraordinary that happens effortlessly.” After all, isn’t “effortlessly” part of what makes a person extraordinary? All opportunities are supposed to be delivered to the front door – effortlessly. Leaving the house is not required. Personal risks are not required. And I should be able to move all the gods monitoring this little blue Planet of ours by having temper tantrums in the privacy of my house.

God forbid I should realize that I was, at the end of the day, just an ordinary mortal participating in the experience of life. I would then have to refer to the most ancient archetypal book of all, “The Book of Life” itself. I would be forced to read about the journey of life as lived by billions of humans before me and – with any luck – billions after me. I would discover that I am only one sojourner within the eternal experience of human life, not one exceptional human being and not a human being even extraordinary enough to be given exceptions to any of the ordinary challenges of life. I would have to find a way to accept my ordinary humanness amongst other ordinary human beings.

There is great wisdom in seeing your life as ordinary. Through that lens, you can recognize your life as part of and essential to “life itself.” The desire to see yourself as “extraordinary” comes from the weakness, the flaw that says, “I must be different than the way the rules of life are written.” No one is different from the way the rules of life are written. To understand the basic rules of life as they apply in everyday ordinary ways will make your understanding of life extraordinary. That is called Divine Paradox.

Reflection Time

Define “extraordinary” for yourself. What qualifies as “extraordinary” in your life? Most importantly, do you think of yourself as an extraordinary person? And if so, why? If you learned that others thought of you as “pleasantly ordinary,” how would that impact you?

What do you recognize in your world – or the world around you – as having become extraordinary in a shadow way? That is, what have we adapted to as a society that is actually quite negative and yet it’s become ordinary now. Here’s an example, albeit a rather touchy one: Any mention of God (even as a subject and not as a religion), morality, and moral reasoning is banned from our classrooms. However, guns not only can be discussed in our schools but having guns openly carried by even school janitors and teachers is now being encouraged by some groups. That is extraordinary and not in a positive way.

What ordinary happenings in your everyday life do you need to reconsider as truly extraordinary? An act of kindness is actually quite extraordinary. Deciding to spend ten minutes actually listening to someone is quite extraordinary these days; that is, the gift of time and attention is a gift that matters. It’s an ordinary gift that has extraordinary consequences.

Rethink your definition of the power of ordinary. Rethink your feelings about what it means to be part of the ordinary human experience. Being extraordinary is not a status that one comes by through entitlement or because they just have a “feeling” they were born for something special. If you lack the courage to pursue that “something” special, it’s best you stop tormenting yourself with dreams about being extraordinary because you’ll never get there. Have the courage to make extraordinary choices and you’ll discover that’s the magic formula for creating an extraordinary life. Ordinary everyday courage creates the extraordinary life. … Divine Paradox at its best.

Love,
Caroline