Zen-Haven July 13 2013

You can’t develop a lightness of being without sooner or later healing your anger. So let’s get rid of that, pronto!

As I said in my book, “Whispering Winds of Change,” all anger comes initially from an impending sense of loss or an actual loss.

When the ego has a part of its importance invested in material things, it will take the disappearance of those items as an affront. So, when the stereo goes missing, the ego will feel that a part of itself has been taken away. It will rant and rave while it stares longingly at the gap on the carpet where the stereo once stood.

Alternatively, you could understand and accept that the stereo is not really part of you. You can whistle your favorite tune and say to yourself, “Ah! I see they have come for the stereo!”

Often anger arises from losses that are not tangible. For example, the loss of importance or status, the loss of certainty, the loss of a familiar rhythm, the loss of opportunity, and a host of other possible or actual losses.

As often as not, the anger generated is over the possibility of a loss rather than one that is actually suffered. Often the loss never materializes. It’s the very thought of its possibility that drives you bonkers.

The answer is, don’t attach too strongly to your possessions and the familiar circumstances of your life. If you do suffer a loss, just agree to suffer the loss. Usually, when things retreat from your life it seems traumatic initially but in the long term it is often very helpful. There is a deep spiritual process that keeps you cleansed and light and unencumbered. It is the very process that carries stuff away.

Allow it.

Thank it for granting you freedom — now you don’t have to worry about someone pinching the stereo as you don’t have one to worry about.

Once you have accepted the loss of whatever it is you’ve lost, you can, if you wish, set upon a course of action to retrieve the item or condition.

But, before setting off, be sure the item is worth the effort of its retrieval. People become obsessed with their ego’s view of justice. It creates prisons for them.

I chuckle over those stories of people who spend five years and half-a-million dollars going to court over some trivial issue; and finally the judge pronounces them right and awards them one dollar in damages.

And the plaintiff struts to the front steps of the court house, all puffed up, silly as a mad goat, half-a-million poorer, pontificating about how they’ve been vindicated. Those twits get what they deserve, nothing. There is no percentage in being right, that’s ego. The only percentage is in being free.

Don’t allow anger to stay with you for long. It’s very destructive. In a metaphysical sense, it’s nuclear war. It is better to express your anger verbally than to internalize it silently. Long term, that can make you very sick. Better still, process your anger by scrutinizing the emotional flare you are experiencing. Get to the depth and meaning of it by searching for the loss.

In addition to the silent anger we sometimes feel, there is the theatrical anger people use to terrify and manipulate others into a prescribed course of action. The anger is not real. It is pretense, designed to cause the appropriate effect. You should not adopt the technique as it shows you up as manipulative and phony. When others use it against you, often it’s hard to call their bluff — they will swear black and blue that their feigned reaction is real.

They can’t admit that some, or all, of their reaction is staged for the politics of the moment and for the benefit of their audience.

The human personality is often covert and dishonest. It’s adept at maneuvering situations and people to its advantage.

It’s a rare character who doesn’t have any issues to defend, or hidden agenda they are trying to satisfy. It’s even more rare to find someone who tells you openly what they feel or want. To cover their real intention, which may shift moment to moment, people lie or use half-truths.

They try to obscure the real issue with red herrings; or use emotion to validate a dishonest or dubious position.

So someone might say, “I am very angry. You have really hurt my feelings.” Usually what they mean is, “I perceive you might or you have actually caused me some kind of loss. I can’t allow you to set a precedent.

Contradictions are an affront to my ego’s sense of self. By blaming you for hurting my feelings, I am hoping to manipulate you into either backing off in the current situation or at least promising to toe the line in the future. By using theatrical anger and referring to my feelings, I can elevate my position in this issue to a greater importance than your side of the issue.”

The correct response is to tell the person that you’ve understood what they are saying — and then walk away, saying nothing more. If you feel it best to discuss the issue with them, take a line similar to this: “

I understand you when you say you feel hurt and angry, but I don’t understand why you think I should be responsible for your reactions. In order for me to better understand your position, why don’t you explain to me what it is you feel you’ve lost.”

© 2013 Stuart Wilde Edit: Soren Dreier