Jennifer Hoffman – I always think of BB King’s signature song, ‘The Thrill is Gone’ when I hear about relationship breakups because while we have to go through the process of ending it, it actually ended long before that, when the thrill was gone, when we no longer felt the same way about someone, when we realized that something had changed and we just were no longer on the same path. If we ever were – more on that in a minute.

Some time ago a friend who was faced with a relationship dilemma called and asked for my advice. She was romantically involved with a man who was in love with her but she didn’t love him. She didn’t know what to do because although she had tried to honor his feelings, she simply did not feel the same way about him.

And she felt guilty because he was so nice and tried so hard to show her how much he loved her and wanted the relationship but she felt smothered and ‘too loved’. The thrill had gone for her but not for him. She felt responsible for his feelings and guilty because she could not reciprocate them. But she also did not want to continue with a relationship that had little value for her. What should she do?

At the beginning of the relationship they were on the same path and then they were not. You know how it is when you meet someone, it’s great while you’re in that blind phase of first love but then reality sets in and you start looking at someone in a different way. This isn’t isolated to new connections, it is happening with every connection.

When the connection point is shifted because someone or something changes we have to set a new level of connection or end the relationship. It is no longer serving us and we need to move on.

So how do we end it in a nice, respectful way?

How do we avoid hurting someone’s feelings or making them feel bad?

That becomes the focus of our decision instead of what is right and best for us. While it’s nice to be nice, it’s not a good idea to base our choices on how someone may react to them or feel about them which is something we do not know.

Are we responsible for others’ feelings? Is it true that because someone feels one way about us that we need to try to match their feelings, even if we don’t share them? Is this a test of our ability to love or is it a test of our ability to honor our own feelings?

Knowing the difference can be difficult and if we let this person go, will we have a chance at another relationship?

There is no easy answer to these questions but the simple answer is that we must honor our energy and not someone else’s. We are not responsible for what others feel and certainly cannot have an obligation to make life choices based on how they feel about us. But we do, don’t we.

We monitor others’ feelings before we make certain choices because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. Or are we just projecting our own hurt potential onto them and showing them what a considerate person we are because we are not hurting their feelings – in a way that their feelings cannot be hurt.

So we twist ourselves in knots trying to avoid doing something without actually asking the person if what we are considering will be a problem for them.

Or we don’t want them to hate us, to see us in a negative way, to talk about us, to refer to us as ‘that mean person’.

The problem is that we are lacking in the self esteem department and we want everyone to like, value, and approve of us. We want acknowledgement and validity. Someone’s opinion becomes the benchmark for our self worth. We want to be seen as a nice person and from that perspective, we don’t want to do anything that may appear mean or inconsiderate. But that definition is different for everyone. What one person may see as good manners someone else may think is rude.

And when we are faced with a situation where we have to act in our own interest or do something that we believe will hurt someone else’s feelings, like my friend and her relationship, we are paralyzed with fear.

We don’t want to hurt them and yet that is not something we can control.

Maybe they will have hurt feelings and be angry, maybe they will think that we’re mean and inconsiderate, but we cannot do anything about what people think.

And what is really upset is their projections for the future of the relationship, which we call expectations, which have come to a sudden and unexpected end. A side note here, sometimes we get so wrapped up in our expectations and the projected future we create from them, that we forget to ask whether the energy of the other person is aligned with that future.

It’s like going on a road trip with someone, stopping for gas, and forgetting them at the gas station because we’re so excited to continue with the journey.

That is until something happens that changes our mind or we wake up one to find that we do not know who we are any more because we are so attuned to others’ needs that we don’t take care of our own feelings and needs.

Sometimes it takes a wake up call to get us to the point where we stop trying to be nice and start thinking about our own choices.

A client who recently recovered from an extremely serious illness that nearly took his life said he had an epiphany while he was in the hospital. He was lying in his bed staring at the ceiling just wishing he could leave his body because he was in so much pain. Suddenly he heard a voice quietly ask him whether he wanted to live or to die? He said ‘do I have a choice’? The voice said yes you do and there is no judgment about your decision.

So he thought about it for a few minutes and considered the pros and cons of staying or leaving. He thought about his illness, his pain, and his unlikely recovery. That was definitely a choice to leave.

Then he thought about his wife, his children, his friends and his family. He remembered the vacation trip that was planned for later in the year, a few unfinished projects that he had wanted to get done, the book he wanted to write, and the life he had yet to live. So he decided to stay and miraculously, his health improved enough for him to recover and to go home in a few short weeks.

Hearing that voice changed him. He started taking better care of himself, stopped overcommitting and overcompensating with people. Everyone knew him as ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ because he could always be counted on in any situation. So he started saying no and turning down offers to help others.

People said his hospital stay had changed his personality and it had because he realized that he had to put himself first, to take care of his needs and his health, and that meant having good energy boundaries. He learned who his true friends were and who was in his life just because he was always available for them. And he learned to stop worrying about hurting others’ feelings.

The trick to success here is to not let what others say bother you. You have no control over what other people think, say, or do. NONE. What you can control is how you react to their comments and stop anticipating rejection before it happens. And if it does happen, it’s no

How does that work? My favorite Dolly Parton interview from around 1976. She was just making a name for herself in the country music scene with her big blonde hair and flashy clothes. The interviewer asked her a rather rude question, if she was afraid that people would think that she was ‘a dumb blonde’ because of her looks. In her trademark folksy way Dolly said well, no that won’t be a problem because I know I ain’t dumb and I know I ain’t blonde.”

Well, a big score for Dolly Parton. I laugh every time I think about that. What a reply and what a moment to stand up for yourself.

What’s at stake here is our own energetic sovereignty, our peace of mind and heart, and our energetic freedom. If we are always worried about how others will react we will never have free movement and expansion in our lives. Here’s the problem and the answer to your concerns – someone will not like what you do, no matter what it is.

You will never have everyone 100% on board with your plans unless you’re doing something that benefits them and fulfills their agenda. Knowing that, and knowing that how people choose to react or respond to you and what you do is out of your control and influence.

While it is difficult to give up a relationship, especially when we know it means we’ll be alone, the fact that we can honor our feelings makes it possible for us to have a relationship where the level of emotion is equal and feelings are reciprocated. When something has run out of energy road you cannot use yourself as the bridge to close the energy gap.

The Universe can, and often does, present us with situations where we must learn to be true to and honest with our self. This is not easy to do when it means that being honest may be a possible source of pain for someone else but it is necessary if we are to honor our self. If they choose to be in pain and suffer because of our decisions, that is something we are not responsible for and cannot take responsibility for.

When we can do that, we create the possibility for a relationship with someone who honors us. Too often we say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’ simply because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or speak the truth. But the Shift is making us aware that we must live in truth in every area of our lives. If you’re in a relationship where you do not feel the same way that someone else does, know that this is an opportunity for you to honor your feelings. Speak your truth and allow the Universe to bring you someone whose feelings you share.

Understanding the 4 stages of spiritual initiation allow us to move through our life lessons more quickly and achieve enlightenment.

Click here to learn more about how you can design your path to spiritual initiation.

Copyright (c) 2022 by Jennifer Hoffman. All rights reserved.